The Importance of Being Earnest

The Importance of Being Earnest A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY John Worthing, J.P. Algernon Moncrieff Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D. Merriman, Butler Lane, Manservant Lady Bracknell Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax Cecily Cardew Miss Prism, Governess

THE SCENES OF THE PLAY

TIME: The Present. LONDON: ST. JAMES'S THEATRE Lessee and Manager: Mr. George Alexander February 14th, 1895 * * * * * John Worthing, J.P.: Mr. George Alexander. Algernon Moncrieff: Mr. Allen Aynesworth. Rev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.: Mr. H. H. Vincent. Merriman: Mr. Frank Dyall. Lane: Mr. F. Kinsey Peile. Lady Bracknell: Miss Rose Leclercq. Hon. Gwendolen Fairfax: Miss Irene Vanbrugh. Cecily Cardew: Miss Evelyn Millard. Miss Prism: Mrs. George Canninge.

:::dialogue speaker="SCENE" Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room. [Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon enters.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Did you hear what I was playing, Lane? ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" I didn't think it polite to listen, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately—any one can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell? ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh!... by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that? ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" I believe it _is_ a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" [Languidly_._] I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON"

Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility. ::: :::stage

[Enter Lane.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Mr. Ernest Worthing. ::: :::stage

[Enter Jack.] ::: :::stage

_] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" How are you, my dear Ernest? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? _] I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. _] When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Perfectly horrid! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I am in love with Gwendolen. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON"

I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven—[Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. ] Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" That is quite a different matter. ] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with.

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. ::: :::stage

[Rings bell.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily. ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Bring me that cigarette case Mr. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, I wish you would offer one. [Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it at once. ] You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Yes. Charming old lady she is, too.

Lives at Tunbridge Wells. ] But why does she call herself little

] My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Yes. 'From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make out. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your cards. ] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.'

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist. It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, that is exactly what dentists always do. Now, go on! Tell me the

whole thing. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Bunburyist? ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all. In fact it's perfectly ordinary. Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" That is nothing to you, dear boy. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. It's one's duty to do so.

And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one's health or one's happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON"

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind.

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two. In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very pleasant. and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount

of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" That is nonsense. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Then your wife will. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical.

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON"

Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them. ::: :::stage

[Algernon goes forward to meet them. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" That's not quite the same thing. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Oh! I hope I am not that. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. ] Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? ] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" No, sir. :::

:::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. [Algernon crosses and hands tea.] Thank you. I've quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It's delightful to watch them. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges glances with Jack.] They seem to think I should be with him. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice... as far as any improvement in his ailment goes. I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last

reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by Saturday. Of course the

music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one plays bad music people don't talk. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Thank you, Algernon. ] I'm sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I thought so. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I would certainly advise you to do so. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact.

And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. ] We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has

reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Darling! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude.

::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean we must get married at once. :::

:::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Married, Mr. Worthing? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" [Astounded.] Well... surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I adore you. But you haven't proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well... may I propose to you now? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Gwendolen! ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" You know what I have got to say to you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Yes, but you don't say it. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Gwendolen, will you marry me? [Goes on his knees.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present. [Enter Lady Bracknell.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Mamma! [He tries to rise; she restrains him.] I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Finished what, may I ask? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. [They rise together.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL"

Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. [Gwendolen goes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell's back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. ] You can take a seat, Mr. ::: :::stage

] I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. ::: ## I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.

If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one's lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one's death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about

fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don't depend on that for my real income. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Lady Bloxham? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, she goes about very little. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. ] The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. ] Both, if necessary, I presume. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, I am afraid I really have none. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" To lose one parent, Mr.

Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I am afraid I really don't know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. I don't actually know who I am by

birth. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. ] Yes, Lady Bracknell. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" In what locality did this Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Yes. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?

::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some

relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, I don't see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter—a girl brought up with the utmost care—to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing! ::: :::stage

[Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Good morning! [Algernon, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.] For goodness' sake don't play that ghastly tune, Algy. How idiotic you are! ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Didn't it go off all right, old boy? You don't mean to say Gwendolen refused you? I know it is a way she has. She is always refusing people. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet. As far as she is concerned, we are engaged. Her mother is perfectly unbearable. I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, I won't argue about the matter. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance.

::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I should extremely like to meet them. :::

:::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" What fools! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" [In a very patronising manner.] My dear fellow, the truth isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, that is nonsense. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" What about your brother? What about the profligate Ernest? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him. I'll say he died in Paris of apoplexy. Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don't they? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Yes, but it's hereditary, my dear fellow. It's a sort of thing that runs in families. You had much better say a severe chill. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" You are sure a severe chill isn't hereditary, or anything of that kind? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Of course it isn't! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Very well, then. My poor brother Ernest is carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill. That gets rid of him. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" But I thought you said that... Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest? Won't she feel his loss a good deal? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, that is all right. Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say. She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I would rather like to see Cecily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK"

one doesn't blurt these things out to people. Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first. Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis's, we really must go and dress. ] Oh! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" What shall we do after dinner? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh no! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, no! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, no! I can't bear looking at things. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" It is awfully hard work doing nothing. ::: :::stage

[Enter Lane.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Miss Fairfax. ::: :::stage

[Enter Gwendolen. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Algy, kindly turn your back. I have something very particular to say to Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on mamma's face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature. Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination. The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me. Your town address at the Albany I have.

[Algernon, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt-cuff. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" There is a good postal service, I suppose? It may be necessary to do something desperate. That of course will require serious consideration. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Good! :::

:::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" You may also ring the bell. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Certainly. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" [To Lane, who now enters.] I will see Miss Fairfax out. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir. [Jack and Gwendolen go off.] [Lane presents several letters on a salver to Algernon. It is to be surmised that they are bills, as Algernon, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" A glass of sherry, Lane. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" To-morrow, Lane, I'm going Bunburying. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I shall probably not be back till Monday. You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits... ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" Yes, sir. [Handing sherry.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" It never is, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Lane, you're a perfect pessimist. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LANE" I do my best to give satisfaction, sir. ::: :::stage

[Enter Jack. Lane goes off.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" There's a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life. [Algernon is laughing immoderately.] What on earth are you so amused at? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Oh, I'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" If you don't take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I love scrapes. They are the only things that are never serious. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh, that's nonsense, Algy. You never talk anything but nonsense. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Nobody ever does. [Jack looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room. Algernon lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.] :::

:::dialogue speaker="SCENE" Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large yew-tree. [Miss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily is at the back watering flowers.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton's duty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday's lesson. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" [Coming over very slowly.] But I don't like German. It isn't at all a becoming language. I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed, he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is. I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are together. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Cecily! I am surprised at you. Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly would. You know German, and

] I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother's admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating. Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment's notice. As a man sows so let him reap. You must put away your diary, Cecily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn't possibly have happened. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don't like novels that end happily.

::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I suppose so. But it seems very unfair. no. ] I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid. ] But I see dear Dr. ] Dr. Chasuble! ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" And how are we this morning? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" That is strange. —My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Egeria? ] A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure.

::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. ::: :::stage

[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" [Picks up books and throws them back on table.] Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! ::: :::stage

[Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" [Takes the card and reads it.] 'Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.' Uncle Jack's brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town? ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Yes, Miss. ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. ] But I am your cousin Cecily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. ] Oh! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I can't understand how you are here at all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning.

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Your emigrating. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I certainly wouldn't let Jack buy my outfit. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I don't think you will require neckties. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Australia! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I'm afraid I'm not that. That is why I want you to reform me. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" It is rather Quixotic of you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I will. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY"

I don't think it can be right for you to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to me. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady. [Cecily puts the rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest girl I ever saw. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about. ::: :::stage

[They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. You should get married. ] Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. ] That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness can be trusted. [Dr. ] I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn from fruits. [Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" This is indeed a surprise. ] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr.

::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Dear Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE"

::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" What a lesson for him! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Poor Ernest! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Very sad indeed. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact. ] Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" No. ] I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last. ] I have preached it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders. that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. Chasuble?

[Dr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector's most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr. Worthing? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" But it is not for any child, dear Doctor. I am very fond of children. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" But surely, Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I certainly intend to have. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Not at all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate.

::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Oh! I don't see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. :::

:::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out watch.] And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Your brother Ernest. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" What nonsense! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, don't say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn't be so heartless as to disown him. I'll tell him to come out. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" My brother is in the dining-room? I don't know what it all means. ::: :::stage

[Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Bunbury! Well, I won't have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John's coldness to me is peculiarly painful. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" It's pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY"

Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" We must not be premature in our judgments. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I feel very happy. [They all go off except Jack and Algernon.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don't allow any Bunburying here. ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Yes, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" What a fearful liar you are, Jack. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I certainly won't leave you so long as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly.

If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON"

Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you. ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I think it has been a great success. [Enter Cecily at the back of the garden. ] But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I am afraid so. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. ::: :::stage

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at it. ] You see, it is simply a very young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached 'absolute perfection'. You can go on. ] Ahem! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. ::: :::stage

[Writes as Algernon speaks.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever since I first looked on your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I don't think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make much sense, does it? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Cecily! ::: :::stage

[Enter Merriman.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" The dog-cart is waiting, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" [Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign.] Yes, sir. ::: :::stage

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" You silly boy! Of course. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him, after all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Darling! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Did I give you this?

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My letters! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well

that I was forced to write your letters for you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, I couldn't possibly. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. ] 'To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest. I feel it is better to do so. ' ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" But why on earth did you break it off? What had I done? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn't been broken off at least once. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I don't think I could break it off now that I have actually met you. ] There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. :::

:::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" But what name? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Oh, any name you like—Algernon—for instance... ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" But I don't like the name of Algernon. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily... [Moving to her]... if my name was Algy, couldn't you love me? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.] Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I must see him at once on a most important christening—I mean on most important business. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I shan't be away more than half an hour. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. Couldn't you make it twenty minutes? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I'll be back in no time. ::: :::stage

[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary. ::: :::stage

[Enter Merriman.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Isn't Mr. Worthing in his library? ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Yes, Miss. [Goes out.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London. I don't quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so forward of them. ::: :::stage

[Enter Merriman.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Miss Fairfax. ::: :::stage

[Enter Gwendolen.] ::: :::stage

] Pray let me introduce myself to you. ] What a very sweet name! Something tells me that we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than I can say. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time. [A pause. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man. And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not? And I don't like that. It makes men so very attractive. not at all, Gwendolen. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh no! ] Really? :::

:::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Indeed? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Your guardian? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were—well, just a little older than you seem to be—and not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly— ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Pray do! I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Yes. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian. It is his brother—his elder brother. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN"

that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not? Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. ] Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week. Mr. ] My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me. ] I am afraid you must be under some misconception. 30. ] I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY"

::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. ] I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. [Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, table cloth, and plate stand. Cecily is about to retort. [Merriman begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. a great many. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Five counties! ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the

country, if anybody who is anybody does. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic among them, I have been told. ] Detestable girl! ] No, thank you. ] Bread and butter, please. [Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters.

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. ::: :::stage

[Enter Jack.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" [Draws back.] A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady? [Points to Cecily.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I beg your pardon? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" This is Uncle Jack. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" [Receding.] Jack! Oh! ::: :::stage

] A moment, Ernest! ] To what young lady? Good heavens! ] Of course not! ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. ] Algernon Moncrieff! ] I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. [They embrace. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We

] Gwendolen—Cecily—it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. ] Never. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Let us go into the house. ::: :::stage

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Serious Bunburyist! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven't got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won't be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Your brother is a little off colour, isn't he, dear Jack? You won't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was.

::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. :::

:::dialogue speaker="JACK" Well, that is no business of yours. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. [Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can't make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don't like tea-cake. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements

with Dr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. 30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can't both be christened Ernest. It's absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Yes, but you have been christened. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" It usen't to be, I know—but I daresay it is now.

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn't. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don't want you here. and there is still one muffin

left. [Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.] :::

:::dialogue speaker="SCENE" Morning-room at the Manor House. ::: :::stage

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" They have been eating muffins. ] They don't seem to notice us at all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" They're looking at us. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" They're approaching. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Certainly. [Enter Jack followed by Algernon. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I don't. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? :::

:::dialogue speaker="JACK" Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I have the gravest doubts on the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. [Moving to Cecily.] Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing's. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth on it. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Then you think we should forgive them? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Yes. I mean no. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Could we not both speak at the same time? ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me? ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Certainly. [Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.] GWENDOLEN and CECILY [Speaking together.] Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all! JACK and ALGERNON [Speaking together.] Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" [To Jack.] For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing? ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I am. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" [To Algernon.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal? ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" I am! ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" We are. [Clasps hands with Algernon.] ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" [To Jack.] Darling! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" [To Cecily.] Darling! [They fall into each other's arms.] [Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.] :::

:::dialogue speaker="MERRIMAN" Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Good heavens! ::: :::stage

[Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Gwendolen! ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. ] Apprised, sir, of my daughter's sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment.

::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" You are nothing of the kind, sir. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. ] Oh! No! Bunbury doesn't live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? ] Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Bunbury? ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is

::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Mr. ] I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. ] Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr.

::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK"

I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Miss Cardew's family solicitors are Messrs. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of the very highest position in their profession. Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby's is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties. ] How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell! ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl. the time approaches for our departure. We have not a moment to lose. As a matter of form, Mr. about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds. That is all. Goodbye, Lady Bracknell. ] A moment, Mr. Worthing. A hundred and thirty thousand pounds! And in the Funds! Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her.

Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time. your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it. But we can soon alter all that. A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time. I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after

::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" [Glares at Jack for a few moments. ] Yes, quite as I expected. There are distinct social possibilities in your profile. The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon. ] Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend on. But I do not approve of mercenary marriages. When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind. But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.

They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before

::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question. I am Miss Cardew's guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" On what grounds may I ask? Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Untruthful! My nephew Algernon? Impossible! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.

This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother. Under an assumed name he drank, I've just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, '89; wine I was specially reserving for myself. Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward. He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin. And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don't intend to have a brother, not even of any kind. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Ahem! Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell. My own decision, however, is unalterable.

::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL"

::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration. Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. ] Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties. Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Of course I could, Cecily.

::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn't wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CECILY" I don't know, Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot

wait till she is thirty-five—a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature—I would beg of you to reconsider your decision. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" [Rising and drawing herself up.] You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. [Pulls out her watch.] Come, dear, [Gwendolen rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform. ::: :::stage

[Enter Dr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" The christenings, sir! ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I don't think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once. ] Miss Prism! ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" Yes, Lady Bracknell. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself.

::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" It is obviously the same person. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK"

[Interposing.] Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew's esteemed governess and valued companion. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for. ::: :::dialogue speaker="CHASUBLE" [Looking off.] She approaches; she is nigh. ::: :::stage

] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. ] Prism! [General consternation. The Canon starts back in horror. ] Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell's house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. ] Prism! ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator.

I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. ::: :::dialogue speaker="MISS PRISM" Do not ask me, Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK"

Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. ] Victoria. ] ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" I must retire to my room for a moment. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur. [Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he was having an argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" This suspense is terrible. ] Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism? Examine it carefully before you speak. ] It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a

temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington. And here, on the lock, are my initials. I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there. The bag is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me. ] Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag. ] Mr. Worthing! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered? Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for men, and another for women? ] Mr. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Algy's elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I knew I had a brother! I always said I had a brother! ] Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother.

Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future. ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. ::: :::stage

] My own! But what own are you? I had quite forgotten that point. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt Augusta, a moment. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was I given? ] I cannot at the present moment recall what the General's Christian name was. But I have no doubt he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Algy! ::: :::dialogue speaker="ALGERNON" My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. ::: :::dialogue speaker="LADY BRACKNELL" The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life. ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. ] M. Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what

ghastly names they have—Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff! ] I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn't I? Well, it is Ernest after all. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" Ernest! My own Ernest! ::: :::dialogue speaker="JACK" Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. ::: :::dialogue speaker="GWENDOLEN" I can. ] Frederick! :::